One relative asks you to find out whether an appointment happened. Another wants you to persuade someone to accept a visit. Soon, helping a person in recovery has turned into carrying messages between people who rarely speak directly.
You can care without becoming the household information desk. SAMHSA’s guidance for supporters encourages people to communicate what they are willing and able to do and to make room for their own support. The practical boundary around messages will depend on the family and the person’s wishes.
Separate an update from a request
An update might be something the person has agreed you can share, such as a preferred visiting time. A request might be another relative’s wish for a conversation. Neither gives you permission to disclose clinical details or make a promise on someone else’s behalf.
A possible response is: “I can let them know you would like to talk. I cannot promise they will reply, and I will not share their appointment details.” Use language that fits your relationship. The point is to describe your role clearly rather than letting it expand with each phone call.
Agree a small communication plan
- Ask the person what practical information, if any, they want shared.
- Identify who can receive it and through which channel.
- Give relatives a way to make their own respectful request.
- Revisit the arrangement when circumstances change.
Do not use a family group chat as the default place for sensitive information. A convenient channel is not automatically a private or agreed channel. Avoid asking children to carry adult concerns or monitor someone’s treatment.
If conversations involve threats, coercion or immediate danger, an ordinary message-sharing arrangement is not enough; seek appropriate professional or emergency support. For everyday communication, a smaller role can be more sustainable: offer a lift, listen at an agreed time or pass on one authorised practical message. Support is still meaningful when it has a clear limit.